"You can't help that. We're all mad here." - The Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland

Happy Holidays!

To anyone out there who reads this tonight: happy holidays. Theres been a distinct lack of me doing anything recently due to exams and such but I don't want to give up! So I really hope someone reads this... I'm "home" for the holidays now, and I've come to the sad realisation that this really is no longer home. Even my mum has moved on; I feature in her life very little now despite the fact I still call nearly every day and send letters. Realistically though , this is what happens. We drove down to the village earlier to drop off a christmas present and she got upset when I didn't really want to go in. I reminded her that unfortunately I do not KNOW this person! The whole things a bit odd for me. I have a life away from here now, which to be honest I love. Being at home, sleeping in a room with so many unhappy memories, I feel eternally grateful for everything I have now. I owe my mum for all of it. I would not be here today if it was not for her. So I have this odd unequal feeling between eternal love and gratitude for everything she's done for me, and feeling so alien here now, even in the way she speaks to me, I get frustrated. It doesn't help that we also have a guest who really I kinda feel uncomfortable around. Being here reminds me of old flames. I don't speak to any of them now. I remember breaking up with my first boyfriend and being so devastated I stay awake for nights on end just watching whatever was on tv just to give my mind something else to do. i wonder what I saw in him now. Being much older and wiser now I am able to disassociate myself with much that happens at home. Arguing, stressing, feeling unwelcome. Christmas is meant to be a time for love and gathering and families... but it doesn't feel like that when you feel alien in your home. People move on and unfortunately so do your own family.